The Androids Biff It

I would like to take a moment to talk about how Androids 17 and 18 practically stood there and begged Cell to absorb them.

These two kids are the equivalent of a deer leaping into the middle of the road, making direct eye contact with you as your vehicle careens toward them, and just standing there, all but forcing you to hit them. The two of these mechanical idiots spend the second half of the Cell arc stuck in Cell’s grill like so much dumb dead deer meat, and I cannot believe two characters who started off so intelligent and cunning turned out to have the survival instincts of a parasite-infested mouse purposely walking up to a cat.

People complain all the time about how people in ghost movies never just leave the house when creepy things begin happening. Well, if Androids 17 and 18 were in a ghost movie, they would barricade themselves INSIDE the house, hide under the same bed that’s shaking and rattling, destroy the stairs so they couldn’t climb down them, disconnect their own phone line, and repeatedly make racist comments about ghosts until they finally get killed.

Just how badly do these two jerks stumble and fall into Cell’s tail? Let’s start with…

CELL VS. PICCOLO AND 17

Piccolo and Android 17 have been fighting for the last couple of episodes. Both of them have taken some hits, but Piccolo’s the more maxed-out fighter just because he’s organic and 17 has an unlimited energy reservoir. So, right away, we’re in the shit when Cell shows up to the battlefield, we don’t realize yet that Android 16 is stronger than his traveling partners, so as far as we know the only three people who can fight this guy are Piccolo and the two Cyborgs, and only Android 18 is on full HP.

Cell proceeds to power up, and this is the first opportunity the androids have to leave. They don’t. Now, to be perfectly fair, since we’re going to encounter a double-digit number of these instances before this essay’s over, we must point out that Cell is a completely unknown quantity to the Androids at this point. Piccolo hasn’t told them why Cell’s here yet, but he has heard 17 ask who the hell this guy is, so it’s now apparent to him that the androids are unfamiliar with Cell. While Cell’s powering up, this would be a great time for Piccolo to give at least 17 the rundown on why Cell’s there, but instead he waits until Cell has finished his power-up and is within striking range of 17. Not even a couple minutes into this encounter, and already we got people screwing up.

But now 17 and 18 are abreast of the situation, after Piccolo interferes to stop Cell from immediately getting 17 absorbed. Around this time, 16 warns 17, who is squaring up at Piccolo’s side to fight his would-be capturer, that Cell is out of his league power-wise. Now, keep in mind, 17 already ignored one warning from 16 that Piccolo was equal to him in power, only to find out the hard way as he and Piccolo traded fists for the better part of an hour. 17 should realize by now that 16’s power readings are accurate, but what does he say? He tells 16 himself to run away while he takes care of the “big bad monster.”

So, let’s again be fair here—Cell is theoretically outmatched. He has four opponents to square up against, three of whom we already know can deal him damage since Piccolo was able to hurt him with a kick just now. If 17 and 18 tunneled in on the same strategy that served them well against Gohan in Future Trunks’s timeline, hell, they may not even need Piccolo’s help. But if they have it, Cell is very likely going to lose, if the three can just coordinate their attacks effectively. Instead, 18 stays on the sidelines as Piccolo and 17 proceed to get cooked by Cell because they’re fucking attacking him one-by-one instead of doing a simultaneous ambush.

This time, Cell is easily able to get the drop on Piccolo when he tries to save 17, and this time he decides to just set 17 aside for a minute to get rid of his Namekian problem. Do the androids take this opportunity to skedaddle, knowing now that Piccolo and 17 individually are weaker than Cell? They do not. Do they interfere on Piccolo’s behalf since Piccolo did the same for 17 and then decide to take on Cell as a group? They do not. I tell you what, though, they really get in their licks when it comes to staring like a couple of confused goddamn puppies. They might as well be tilting their heads and drooling, the amount of sheer animal stupidity on display here boggles the goddamn mind.

So of course, Piccolo, a potentially valuable ally against this new foe, biffs his Light Grenade attack and is promptly dispatched, leaving only 16, 17 and 18 on the battlefield. Oh, but that’s not quite true, because sometime while Piccolo was getting his ass beat, Tien showed up. It’s much more understandable that Tien doesn’t jump in immediately—the dude probably isn’t even in the same tier as first-form Frieza yet, he has nothing to contribute except joining Piccolo as fish food. Or at least, that’s what we think when he first makes his appearance.

Cell turns his attention to 17 and the two begin to square off one-on-one. This is already goddamn stupid because it’s been established already that 17 can’t lay a finger on Cell, so we already know he needs help. Does 18 jump in and try to save her brother from a fate that is becoming increasingly certain? Hell no, she gawks like a dumbass while 17 proceeds to take one of the nastiest ass-beatings I’ve ever seen in Dragonball Z. This is right up there with Frieza’s humiliation of Vegeta, and only because we aren’t as attached to 17 and it isn’t nearly as torturous is it not talked about in the same breath. Cell stomps 17 in the face, gut punches him so hard his voice briefly malfunctions, ragdolls him all over the island, and when the beating is over, 17 is laying on his back just moaning in agony.

Meanwhile, big twin sister is being told by 16, yet again, that the only thing left for her to do is run. And that’s true at this point—17 is no longer capable of joining her to fight Cell together, that ship has sailed. 18, once again failing to get the hell out of there, asks 16 what he would do. My God, I wish I could have taken over 16’s voice box here, because I would have straight told 18, “I would do just about anything except sit back and watch my brother have his guts turned into mechanical pudding, knowing Cell’s whole stated goal here is to assimilate him into his body!” Instead, 16 declares he’s going to kill Cell himself, stating he’s just as strong as the creature, and walks off, leaving 18 alone to finally get out of dodge and—bahahaha, just kidding, she keeps standing there like a statue made of pure idiot.

16 JUMPS IN

16 knocks Cell away from 17 with a surprise punch, sending him across the island. With 16 now standing between Cell and both of his absorption targets, this would make yet one more perfect opportunity for the outmatched Cyborgs to run. They can’t be sensed by Cell and they know they can’t deal with him alone, they watch as 16 proves himself to be a very adequate match for the creature, and even when the perfect opportunity to escape presents itself, they just. Goddamn. Stand there.

If I wanted to play devil’s advocate for a moment, I could argue that 17 and 18 don’t want to leave because they’ve come to care about 16 and don’t want him to have to face Cell by himself. But if that’s the case, what the hell are they accomplishing by standing there and gawping? Are they there for moral support? This isn’t goddamn Yu-Gi-Oh, 16 doesn’t need cheerleaders, he needs you to get your dumb asses to safety so he can fight Cell without worrying about him getting the drop on one of you and successfully getting a transformation off. At this point, I wonder if 16 wouldn’t be better off just killing 17 and 18 himself so Cell can’t absorb them, because they seem hellbent on giving this creature every chance to get to his perfect form and nuke the planet off this mortal coil.

16 deals a devastating blow to Cell with his Hell’s Flash, but as Goku points out, Cell’s power level is still there, just diminished. 16 gets pissed at this point and screams “why are you still here” at Android 18. 18, who has seen Cell survive a Light Grenade, getting his tail ripped off, and being rag-dolled by Android 16, smugly puts her hands on her hips and tells him he squashed the bug and that there’s nothing left to be worried about. The audacity of her and Android 17 to insist that 16, the only one between the three of them able to accurately gauge power levels, is the one who’s wrong about Cell being alive, just stuns me. I swear, my head canon is that 17 and 18 were programmed to have their respective IQ’s cut in half upon being in Cell’s vicinity, that’s the only thing explaining why two otherwise sharp and perceptive characters grab the idiot ball and hug onto it as if it were a little baby.

Well, guess what, Cell isn’t dead, and guess what else, Android 17 is standing right in front of a crater that Cell can rise up from, and guess what else, 17 has several seconds to try looking behind him but instead he keeps looking to his left and right and it takes Tien to tell him to look behind him, and guess what fucking else, 17 gets sucked into Cell’s body and any hope of Android 16 being able to kill Cell goes flying out the window the same way 17 and 18 should have gone flying off the battlefield several episodes ago!

SEMI-PERFECT CELL

The bullshit that happens after this just mystifies me, I swear different people must’ve worked on this episode without looking at what the other artists already drew, because 16 grabs 18 by the hand and starts to run while Cell is in mid-transformation. Now, setting aside the fact that 16 is running with 18 instead of flying since, you know, they’re on a goddamn island, this is a good idea. This is what needed to happen with the Cyborgs during 16’s fight with Cell. 16 even does a solid and tells Tien he needs to get out of here too, because Tien is not Piccolo or Vegeta, and he is not going to be pulling up to save the day anytime soon.

…But then we get back to the battlefield after Cell is finished with his transformation, we get a slow pan up Cell’s body to reveal his new, more humanoid form, and for some goddamn reason, 16 and 18 are still there. Still. There. What—what the hell happened? Did the both of them just forget they can fly? They made it to the edge of the island, decided they were both incapable of swimming, and figured, “well, might as well see what Cell looks like now, I bet it’s pretty cool,” is that what goddamn happened?

Well, finally, 16 and 18 try to make a break for it, except they’re once again running, and I’m not even going to rant about that again because I think I just felt my heart palpitate. Cell takes notice of this, gets into some strange starting position, and easily outspeeds them, getting right in front of them and flexing that not only is he now stronger, he’s now faster. But then Cell takes a second to check his reflection in a nearby river, admiring his new face and commenting on how much comelier it is. Lowkey, I prefer Cell’s insectoid first form to this goofy fish-faced one, but whatever. Instead of making another—probably doomed—attempt to fly off while Cell is feeling himself, 16, having already acknowledged that they cannot stop Cell in this form, goes in for a direct punch to the face. His reward is to take a blast directly in the face, losing a chunk of cranium in the process and putting him in a weakened state.

At this point, him and 18 have lost the chance to run. They had it so many times, and they lost it just as many times, as Cell slinks toward 18, intending to finish the other half of the job. Two problems here—first off, hey Tien, what’s that thing you do, where you fly up to the sun and do this thing that blinds everyone in the nearby vicinity? The solar flare? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, how about you do that? No? Just gonna stand there like some gawping asshole? Well, you’ve been learning from the best for the past hour or so, I do suppose.

And you, Cell? How about you speed this goddamn process up a little bit? This slowly walking toward your victim like Jason Voorhees shit contrasts sharply with how much you’ve been craving this since your literal debut. Even when 18 threatens to grope herself to explosion death, you’re still taking this shit awful casually, and—what’s that, you think using 17’s voice is going to work? It’s not going to work, dude, 18 can tell you aren’t 17—

…Oh, my God, it nearly fucking works.

18’s whole demeanor shifts as Cell uses her brother’s voice to try and convince her that being slurped up through a giant bug-man’s tail is, in fact, cool and good. And it almost works, God help us all. Like, 18, what the hell do you think 17 is doing in Cell’s body that would make him want you to join him? You think there’s enough room in Cell’s new body for a forest big enough to drive a van through? You think maybe he’s sparring with the arm that Cell absorbed off of Piccolo like a million episodes ago? What could possibly make you think this is in any remote way desirable, even if you do believe that 17 is really telling you to go through with it? You didn’t give a shit when 17 was getting cooked like an entire barbeque earlier, now all of a sudden you’re contemplating joining him in the body of a man who looks like a bodybuilder molded out of broccoli vomit?

18 manages to snap out of it after 17 praises Dr. Gero, so Cell goes to plan B, telling her that even if she initiates her self-destruct sequence, she’ll need a minute to gather the requisite energy, and by that point, he will have absorbed her. I have more problems to address, starting with—why would 18’s self-destruct sequence just end after you absorb her? Why would the bomb just turn off once she’s inside of your body, you’re going to be in the middle of transforming when she detonates unless we’re operating on Frieza time here. But second of all—hey, Tien, I don’t know if you have that Namekian hearing, but we could certainly use that Solar Flare right about now. If Cell is blinded for even a second, it gives 18 time to dive underwater, press her self-destruct boob, and allow a full minute to expire, destroying her and eliminating Cell’s hopes of becoming complete. No? Okay.

Wait—what are you doing?

Tien leaps into action, not to Solar Flare, but to instead use the Tri-Beam, the triangle that squares the earth, the kikoho itself, praise be its name. Cell is stunned under the weight of Tien’s hail-mary attack, and finally, finally, finally, 18 leaves the island with 16 in her arms, searching for a hiding spot away from her pursuer. Let me tell you, it’s a bad day for planet Earth when the super-powered characters, stronger than even Frieza himself, are so stupid and helpless that it takes a human whose power is maybe in the six digits to bail them out.

But forget about that shit, because you know what? 18 and 16 have made a temporary home on one of a cluster of islands away the island where Cell is still getting served by Tien and then distracted by Goku. By the way, there’s another screw-up right there—why didn’t Goku just IT himself to Cell’s location when 16 hit him with the Hell’s Flash and try to teleport the androids to Kami’s Lookout? Eh, maybe he figured the androids were too dangerous to trust up there, especially since he was weaker than all of them at this point. I’ll give him a pass on that one.

Cell eventually gets to roughly the area the two androids are located at, and man, talk about some shitty luck. He could have gone in any direction after getting out from under Tien’s attack, and somehow he manages to go the right way his very first time. Ain’t that a bitch? I could complain that 16 and 18 didn’t fly away far enough, but I guess Cell would have noticed them flying and besides, 16 is critically injured so it’s probably for the best to keep him on the downlow.

VEGETA VS. CELL

After Cell destroys every island except for the one containing his target, and gets ready to destroy it as well, Vegeta pulls up with Trunks in tow, shows off his new Super Saiyan Grade 2 transformation, and starts getting serious shots in against Cell. Does 18 run away with 16 at this point, since she’s way too close to Cell for comfort at this juncture? No. She goes back to gawping, which is the only thing she’s done successfully in the last ten goddamn episodes.

Y’know, fine, let’s be completely fair here. Maybe she’s worried that if they try to run now, Vegeta or Trunks will spot them and decide to merc them opportunistically. I think Trunks would do it just because of how much kneejerk hatred he has for the androids, but there’s also Vegeta who I’d imagine really wants his get-back against Android 18. So, hell, I don’t know. I have to try hard to come up with a reason why 18 might be this goddamn hair-brained, because I still don’t want to except that she’s the absolute moron she very clearly is.

Of course there’s the argument that she can just swim away, and yes, she could, but I think she’d have to leave Android 16 behind if she did that. 16 has a big-ass hole in his head right now, and I can’t imagine it would be any good for him to get water all up in his brain case. I don’t know whether it would do any harm, but it’s a risk I damn sure wouldn’t want to take. And if 16 flew while 18 swam, Cell would probably spot 16 and make the educated guess that 18 must be nearby, so he’d be in for a world of pain if Cell got to him and started questioning him. So, in conclusion, 18’s got a big millstone around her neck in the form of her care for 16, and she as well as the Earth and all of its inhabitants would be much better off if she just let 16 go to fend for himself or die trying. If that makes 18 feel bad, well, it should, because if she and 17 had just left when they had the chance, 16 wouldn’t be in this situation, now would he?

Once Cell realizes he has no way of beating Vegeta like this, he offers him the chance to fight him in his perfect form, asking Vegeta to allow him to search for 18 like, “seriously, it’ll take ten minutes, there no way the dumb bitch isn’t like in a 100-foot radius.” Vegeta agrees after a little finessing, and at this point most people are quick to call Vegeta a complete dumbass for doing this, and in fairness, he totally is, but hear me out:

Vegeta has absolutely surpassed Android 18 by this point, obviously. Given she was considerably stronger but not immensely so when she fought Vegeta as a regular Super Saiyan, it’s not totally unreasonable for Vegeta to do the math in his head and conclude that adding 18’s power to that of Semi-Perfect Cell’s isn’t going to make him strong enough to surpass Vegeta. Of course it’s stupid to take the risk, but nobody expect Perfect Cell to be as strong as he was. Plus, you have to consider, Vegeta’s got the Saiyan appetite for a challenge burning a hole in his chest, and if he had refused to let Cell transform and just killed him, he would have that in the back of his head for the rest of his life, “what if Cell in his perfect form IS the challenge I’ve been looking for?” Or maybe Goku would have destroyed him in a fight after leaving the Time Chamber, who can say?

Besides, since we have to pin blame on Vegeta for his foolhardy choice to get Cell absorb 18, we have to get around to talking about the final player sitting at this table: Krillin. The small warrior has the remote to shut down Android 18 clutched in his hands, and he’s undergoing a crisis of conscience as he struggles between his obligation to destroy Android 18 so Cell can’t take her and his newfound love for the would-be victim. With the dragon balls gone after Piccolo’s fusion with Kami, he doesn’t even have the option to simply kill and then resurrect 18 anymore. He either kills her and seals Cell’s fate, or he spares her and possibly condemns her to a fate worse than death.

When Krillin chooses to destroy the remote, even 18 remarks on what a foolish decision it was. And let me tell you, when Android 18, graduate of the deer-in-headlights school of having no fucking self-preservation, tells you that you just did something stupid, it’s an understatement. You just screwed the pooch so thoroughly it’s going to smell like wet dog every time you piss for the next three years. With the remote gone, 18’s only choices are to run—which she won’t do—or hide—which she’s been doing and which just backfired because…

CELL WINS

18 gets spotted by Cell just after Trunks has jumped into the fray, and the entire following episode becomes a desperate struggle between two factions. There’s the faction of Vegeta and Cell, who want Cell to attain perfection, and there’s Krillin, 18, 16, and Trunks, who want to stop Cell. And hey, you know what? I’ve got my money on the latter faction. We got Krillin, who has Solar Flare and the Destructo Disk to put down Vegeta if shit gets desperate enough, we got Trunks who is also Super Saiyan Grade 2 and can put down Cell with ease, and hey, 16 even still has the bomb in his own chest! Have him get the drop on Cell, maybe we can even just blow the damn dude up!

Unfortunately, events are just as stupid now as they have been since Cell pulled up on Piccolo and 17’s fight, and the struggle ends with Cell himself using the Solar Flare technique to absorb 18. Yes, even after Trunks landed a solid attack on Vegeta that should have disabled the Saiyan prince long enough for Trunks to start whaling on Cell so 18 could get the hell out of dodge. Trunks even has time to pull up right in front of her and tell her to get gone, a rare stupid move on his part since he could just blow her to smithereens and get both his revenge and a better outcome for 18 than being absorbed by Cell. But he lets her go, and she doesn’t go, at least until Cell gets to her after the Solar Flare. Then, she goes alright, right up Cell’s tail and into his fucking stomach, bringing him to his final evolution and setting up a chain of events that results in the Earth losing Goku as he saves the world one last time.

So, hey, the Androids succeeded in killing Goku, that’s something.

CONCLUSION

To call this set of episodes, from He’s Here to The Last Defense, a comedy of errors on just about every single character’s part is as true as it is infuriating. Characters who should have known better make baffling, sometimes inexplicable decisions, and Cell is allowed to cakewalk his way to a perfection that is far from deserved. Cell could barely have come up with more favorable conditions himself, as Earth’s defense force fails time and time again to get between him and the Androids, and the Androids fail to get away the few times Earth’s defenses succeed. But, you know what? It’s like Goku said to Gohan right after his death, “life is way too unpredictable to have regrets.” And man, let me tell you, nothing was as fucking unpredictable as the Androids turning out to be the dumbest characters in their own arc.