Okay, I can forgive this one a little more because, outside of the whole orphan plot, there are a couple pretty cool things about this filler. If I may get just a little AVGN-esque over here, sometimes you have to dig through the shit to find the kernels hidden within. You still don’t want to EAT those kernels, of course, but… uh… this metaphor isn’t working. Let’s just move on.
The heroes
eventually convince the orphans, after performing feats of selflessness such as
saving a large group of the kids from some falling debris, that they aren’t
working for Frieza. As I said in the last review, trauma aside, these kids are
fucking idiots for just believing that these three people not wearing Saiyan
armor and not flying a ship that looks like one of Frieza’s are working for
Frieza, but let’s push that aside. Once the orphans start to trust our heroes,
they regale them with the tale of how Frieza’s men showed up and basically
murdered all of their families. Which brings me to a point: apparently Frieza
sucks at finishing the job, because he habitually murders kids’ families but
then leaves the kids alive. Like Goku, for instance!
It’s unfortunate
that, after our heroes save a lot of the orphans and eventually gain enough of
their trust that they repair the ship for them and allow them to go their happy
asses to Namek, said heroes don’t stick around long enough to listen to the
lead orphan advise them about the fake version of Namek they’re going to run
across if they keep going the path they’re going. A shortcut that would have
saved them several days, 10 to be exact, lost to the void of space. Well, at
least Bulma’s back on the ship now and can put some proper clothes on over her
gray underwear. You’d think somebody as vain as Bulma would bring some undergarments
that aren’t just gray bullshit, but then again, it’s not like she’s going to
Namek to meet a man, and she sure as shit isn’t interested in either one of her
traveling companions.
How is Vegeta doing?
Well, apparently his tiny little space pod has some kind of life support system
built in. I’m just picturing a tube filled with oatmeal and Laudanum being
injected directly into his body. Do Saiyans have Laudanum? Probably not, and if
they did, you’d be considered a pussy by all the other Saiyans for using it.
Anyway, he makes it to the Frieza planet he was headed toward, at which point
Frieza’s men, thinking that Vegeta is still loyal and/or important to Frieza,
immediately get him into a healing tank. Now, you may recognize the healing
tank as being the frustratingly slow piece of shit that made it to where Goku
couldn’t make it to the final battle with Frieza on Namek until said Frieza had
already tortured Vegeta to near-death, but if you’re new to this series, hi, I
hope I didn’t spoil anything for you.
We get introduced to
good ol’ Cui in this episode. You may recognize Cui as-ahahahah, sorry, I
couldn’t keep a straight face on that one. The only thing anybody anywhere in
the known universe will ever recognize Cui as is a fish-lipped piece of fodder
with holes in his head that make it to where his stupid brains leak out of them
and that’s why he’s stupid enough to immediately get killed by Vegeta the
second the dude lands on Namek. We’re going to get more into Cui’s death scene
later, but man is it satisfying. This guy is a toadie in the worst possible
sense. A literal fucking toad would be more sympathetic than Cui.
Goku’s fear of
needles also makes an appearance this episode. Actually, it might be the first
time it ever appears in the series, but since I haven’t gone back and watched
old Dragonball since around 2013, I don’t remember if it appears in the prequel
series. Chi-Chi totally gives him grief over it too, the bitch. Yeah, I’m still
calling her a bitch, I don’t give a fuck, nobody reads these reviews anyway,
and if you do, I defy you to come up with some kind of defense for her behavior
over the past several episodes. No, seriously, I want your episode 5,000-word
essay on why Chi-Chi is totally justified in acting like Goku is some shit
smear she can flush down the toilet, and it BETTER not use her grief and trauma
for Gohan’s sake as an excuse, because that’s only understanding it, not
excusing it.
So, the orphan kids
are actually traveling to a planet their own former planet used to trade with.
They’re hoping for a new home, even if it takes years to get there. In the
meantime, I suppose they’re just going to hope by some miracle that one of Frieza’s
actual goons doesn’t show up and merc them all. That tends to happen in this
part of the show, since Frieza controls like half of the universe. We never see
the orphans again, and that shouldn’t count as a spoiler since none of these
characters have the depth necessary to justify them as new members of the
permanent cast. And this is the cast of DBZ we’re talking about, not fucking
Better Call Saul or something. Anyway, hopefully they made it back to their (new)
home planet, but if they didn’t, well, they probably got revived by the dragon
balls anyway.
(3/5)
A Few Final Thoughts:
--One of the goons who helps Vegeta into the healing tank
wonders what happened to Nappa. I wonder if there’s any regulation against
somebody who isn’t Frieza murdering their partner.
--Oh, and the gang makes it to Fake Namek, or whatever.
-- I’d like to know how the fuck these kids are feeding
themselves. Yeah, I bet there are a lot of kids who were originally with that
group who… aren’t now.
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