As if we didn’t have enough scenes of people training, now we have an episode literally called “Global Training.” This is the episode where we first get to see Tien since his time in DB, where like most characters he starts off as an opponent of Goku and soon becomes a trusted ally, soon to fade into obscurity like every other character who isn’t Goku or Vegeta. Maybe Gohan, too.
But we’ll get to more of that in a bit. One of the main
attractions in this episode comes near the end, when Goku goes to Hell. No, I’m
serious. He hitches a ride with a Snake Way floor-sweeper—why Snake Way even
NEEDS one of those is anybody’s guess, but okay—and the floor-sweeper runs over
one of the ridges on the edge of the path, resulting in Goku falling off Snake
Way, through the orange clouds, and right into Hell. Of course, Hell isn’t
actually that bad. Goku sniffs out a tree and finds that it has a bunch of
magical ass-shaped fruit growing off of it. I don’t know if it was intended for
the fruit to look like asses, but knowing what I know about the writer of this
show, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Of course, we’re going to learn much more about Hell in the
episode following this, so let’s put a pin in that and talk a little bit about
Tien. Launch—that is, Blonde Launch, the crazy violent one of the two—has been
following Tien and his partner Chiaotzu around like a bad odor, firing her gun
in anger at the slightest of provocations and trying to endear herself to Tien
so he will join her in her quest to rob a bunch of shit and also be her lover
because let’s be real, that’s what she really wants. I don’t remember if the
original Dragonball gave us any indication of how Blue Launch, the
sweet-natured one, feels about Tien, which just brings a whole disturbing
series of questions up if Tien ever did pursue a relationship with Blonde
Launch.
So, when he’s not interacting with Launch, what is our
three-eyed bald hero up to? Well, he seems to be able to force a waterfall to
go back upwards using just his ki, so I guess he’s capable of making a
waterrise. That’s not a word yet, but just you wait, I’m gonna petition Webster
to make it one. Tien’s main determination as a fighter is to surpass Goku. He
actually defeated Goku the first time they fought, in the sense that he didn’t
get thrown as far from the ring as Goku did. However, by the time Goku was done
up at Kami’s Lookout, he was easily the strongest hero in the franchise, and
none of the other plain human fighters were ever able to get caught up since.
What’s Gohan up to? Well, at this point the T-Rex is
sufficiently afraid of him and is now running in fear. It’s at this point that
I can safely feel bad for the T-Rex. Like, at this point Gohan is just
torturing him by repeatedly lopping steaks off its tail. It’s like if you were
a prisoner and someone came to your cell every day and cut a steak off your
ass. You wouldn’t be too find of that, right? At this point, Gohan’s just kind
of wandering about in the wilderness, waiting for Piccolo to show up and tell
him what he needs to do next.
But Piccolo is too busy, I don’t know, MOVING FUCKING
PYRAMIDS to care too much about what’s happening with the half-Saiyan brat
right now. In fact, Piccolo may be a little too good at lifting those pyramids
with his mind; he winds up creating an earthquake that nearby results in Gohan
being swallowed up into the earth. Gohan winds up saving himself by stabbing
his sword into the very earth itself and holding on for dear life, a feat that
still doesn’t result in a very strong reaction from our green friend. To be
fair, he was just LIFTING ENTIRE PYRAMIDS USING HIS VERY MIND, so it’s probable
that a kid with a sword avoiding certain death doesn’t register in comparison.
Can you imagine how pissed off Goku would be if Gohan died while he was out
training? I think I’ve said that before, but it bears repeating.
Not much else to say about this one, honestly. Krillin tells
Tien about what happened to Goku—after Launch fucking shoots at Bulma’s
airship, naturally—and does so with all the casualness of someone who lives in
the same universe with at least one set of dragon balls. Not to mention, we now
get to see what the afterlife looks like, and even if you wind up in Hell it’s
not the worst thing in the world. Well, in the universe. Or after-verse. Fuck,
I don’t know, this episode wasn’t that good.
(2/5)
--At one point, right after turning back into Blue Launch,
she immediately happens upon a gigantic field of flowers and begins a-sniffing
at them flowers something fierce. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. WILL SHE
SNEEZE? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF DRAGONBALL Z, “LAUNCH SNEEZES.”
--“Goku goes off the beaten path… and gets BEATEN!” Nice
work, narrator.
--It seems like the show can’t decide at first if it’s Korin
the group is training with or Kami. Then again, I might be taking their usage
of “Korin’s Tower” as meaning that’s where they intend to stop. Maybe…?
--Goku is told by the floor-sweeper that he’s only 25% of
the way there, a sentence that makes my heart sink straight into a Marianas
trench of despair.
